Inside you there are usually two voices. One of them notices what you got wrong, and reminds you of everything you should have done better, sometimes harshly. The other one could have noticed that you are tired, or that you are carrying more than you can bear, or that you need to stop for a while.
The problem is that these two voices do not get the same amount of time. The harsh voice has usually had years of training, while the compassionate, understanding voice has had only scattered moments.
In this theme, we give the other voice some space on the page.
Most of us live with two voices at the same time.
The first one is fast and familiar. It knows at once what mistake you made today, and it gathers the evidence quickly: you got it wrong this time too, you should have known better, and why did you do this in the first place?
The second voice is a little slower. Perhaps its problem is that it never gets enough of a chance to speak. It might begin with a simple sentence like "you are tired", or "it looks like you have had a hard day", or even "have you eaten anything today?"
The harsh voice is not necessarily the cleverer one. It is only the one used more often, and it has had the greater chance to practise. It has had years of practice, and thousands of times when you repeated the same words to yourself. The understanding voice, on the other hand, may have had no more than a few scattered minutes in your whole life.
There is an old story told about two voices, or two animals, one of which lives inside a person: one of them calm and the other fierce. A child asks which of them will win, and the answer comes: the one you feed.
But do not expect it to be easy the first time. You may find that writing a tender, compassionate voice towards yourself is much harder than writing a harsh one. You may feel embarrassed, or feel that the words are artificial, or even that this kind of warmth is not safe. That happens, and it does not mean you are doing the exercise wrong.
Do not try to force yourself to feel something you do not feel. Start with a calm, neutral voice. Take a small step, rather than suddenly trying to love yourself a great deal.
A simple way to start: take one sentence your harsh voice said to you today, and write a reply to it. Let the compassionate voice answer.
For instance
I remembered my chemistry teacher from my school days. He told me once that I had the right to get it wrong twice before I knew how to do the thing better. And that is what I am saying today to the voice that blames me for failing the interview.
The harsh sentence was "you have wasted the whole year". The reply was "you moved to a new house, your father was ill, and you were trying to keep everybody all right". Both sentences are true in some way. But this morning I could only see the first one.
